Business Jokes

A page dedicated to business jokes and humor.

Business joke 15:  How to motivate

HR director left the big town and moved to live in the small village. He bought 20 cows. Local cowboys joked at him that he was an amateur. After three months it became official that HR director’s cows give upto 30% more milk than the best cow of the local cowboys. Ashamed they went to HR director’s farm to ask for a piece of advice.
- Neighbour, we are sorry for the jokes we made on you. We thought you are an amateur, but it turned out that you are better than us. Would you share with us your secret?
- The secret, neibours, is in motivation.
- What you mean motivation? These are cows..
- Come tomorrow morning at 6.30 and I’ll show.
On the next morning from 6 a.m. the farmers stood in front of HR director’s farm, impatiently waiting for him to come. At 6.30 sharp he came and shouted to the cows:
- Good morning, girls! What are we going to give today – meat or milk?
 

Business joke 14:  Brain prices

A group of colleagues went to a hospital, where one of their team would be having a brain transplant. One of them asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $20,000 and a male brain costs $40,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain costs less because it has been used."

Moral: Do not take your first impression as a pure fact.


Business lesson 13:  The Aim of Communication

Socrates came upon an acquaintance excitedly said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your students?” “Just a minute,” Socrates replied.  “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test.  “The first test is Truth.  Are you sure that what you will say is true?  “Oh no,” the man said,  “Actually I just heard about it.”  “So you don’t really know if it’s true, Socrates said. The second test, is Goodness.  Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?” “No, on the contrary..”  “So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”  The man shrugged, rather embarrassed. Socrates continued.  “You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness.  Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me at all?”  “Well it ..no, not really..”  “Well, concluded Socates,  “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor ever Useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was defeated and ashamed.

(Nowadays such man would curse you.  Socrates was sentenced to death at the age of 70 for criticising the Athenian government)

 

Business joke 12: Marketing techniques

 


humor, joke, jokes, humourYou see a gorgeous woman at a conference. You could use one of the following marketing techniques to win her:
1. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing.

2. A colleague of yours goes up to her and pointing at you and says,"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising.

3. You find her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "I’m very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing.

4. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pourher a drink; pick up her pen after she drops it,offer her a ride home, and then say,"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations.

5. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." - That's Brand Recognition.

6. You go up to her and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback!



Business joke 11: Who's smarter

A shepherd was crossing a road with his flock when a Mercedes Benz stopped.  A man in a business suit came out of the car and asked:
- Will you praise me a sheep, if I tell you how many the sheep are without looking at them?
- I’ll give you one – answered the unbelieving shepherd.
The man drew a laptop, printer and satellite dish.
He began to shoot the keys and after 15 minutes 40 pages were printed:
- You have exactly 143 sheep.
The shepherd was astonished and with pain in his heart he muttered:
- Choose one sheep!
The man in the suit put a sheep in the trunk and was just about to leave when the shepherd stopped him:
- If I guess what you work will you return my sheep?
- That’ a deal, but you do not have any chance – smiled the businessman.
- You are a consultant.
- How did you know? – the shocked man asked.
- That was easy! First: you come without being  invited; second: you tell me something I already knew perfectly well; and third – you took my dog instead of sheep.