Humor

The page is dedicated to jokes, business jokes on leadership, humor.   Wherever possible we shall look for business moral in them. 
 
 
Business lesson 10: Company Policy

Think about your office! But start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys humor, humour, joke, jokes, business jokewith cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
Business moral: Always challenge the dogma! What was true yesterday is not necessarily true today.

 
Business lesson 9:
 
An American and a Japanese corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race as a symbol of team effectiveness. Both teams practiced hard.  However the Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering supervisors and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Business moral: The managers lead men. No men – no managers!
 

Business lesson 8:

Three salesmen and three architects were traveling by train to a seminar. At the station, the three architects each bought tickets and watched as the three salesmen bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an architect.
"Watch and you'll see", answered a salesman.
They all boarded the train. The architects took their respective seats, but the three salesmen all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The architects saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the
seminar, the architects decided to copy the salesmen on the return trip and save some money. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the salesmen didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed architect.
"Watch and you'll see", answered a salesman.
When they boarded the train, the three architects crammed into a restroom and the three salesmen crammed into the nearest one. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the salesmen left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the architects were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Business lesson: Instead of competing with the strengths of a competitor, attack his weaknesses.

 
Corporate lesson 7, submitted by Katarina Jurkovicova:
 
After 20 Yoga lessons wife asked her husband to enroll in the same Yoga classes.  The day after his first Yoga lesson, the husband complained to a colleague that he feels pain in every part of the body, and that he had to visit the Yoga course 3 times a week.
"Just quit it?" - suggested the colleague.
"Are you crazy?" - replied the husband.  "I must become an expert in Yoga as Yoga is just the first level.  The second level is the Kama Sutra.

Business moral:
Whatever you do, do it professionally. You never know what the second level will be!
 
 
Corporate lesson 6:
 
A manager in a hot air balloon got lost. He spotted a woman below and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering around 30 feet above the ground.  You're approximately at 43 degrees north latitude and 28 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the manager.  "Yes I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the manager, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I still have no idea where I am, and the fact is I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help at all.  If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Business lesson:  When starting a new business compaign consider in details not only the positive scenarios, leading you up but also the negative scenarios that will ground you safely if luck is not on your side.
 
 
Corporate Lesson 5, submitted by Nikolinka Jordanova:
 
One day, a successful HR director was hit by a bus and died.  Her soul arrived in heaven where she was greeted by Saint Peter.
   
- Welcome to Paradise - Saint Peter said. - Before settling you here we should solve one problem.  You see, till today no other HR director reached so far, so I'm not sure what to do with you.
   
- No problem, just let me in - the woman said.
   
- I'd like to, but I have orders from above. What I will do is to let you spend a day in hell and then day in Paradise, then you will choose yourself.
   
- I have already decided.  I prefer Paradise - the woman replied quickly.
   
- Sorry, here in heaven, we have and follow the rules ...
So Saint Peter escorted the manager an elevator leading to hell.  The door opened and she found herself in the middle of a green golf spot.  In the distance there was a club, that stood in front of all her friends - fellow executives dressed in nice evening dresses.  They joyfully met and kissed her and all together had talks about the good old days.  Later they played a few games golf and had lobsters and delicious seafood for dinner in a lovely restaurant.
She even met the Devil who was actually a very pleasant person with whom she spent several hours listening great and dancing.  The woman felt so good that she didn't want it to end.  Exactly 24 hours after her arrival she was accompanied by her happy friends to the elevator, which led her to St. Peter.
   
- Now is the time to spend a day in paradise - he reminded her.
HR director spent the next 24 hours in a lounge on clouds, playing the harp and singing.  She felt so good that she didn't realise when the time to leave set in.
St. Peter asked her:
   
- What do you decide, where you want to spend eternity?
The woman hesitated a moment and replied:
   
- I've never believed that I would say that - in heaven was so nice..., but I think I'll be better off in hell.
St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down to hell.  When the elevator doors opened, she found herself in the middle of wasteland covered with garbage and filth.  She saw her friends dressed in rags, to rummage through the garbage.
The Devil came up to her and welcomed her.
   
- I do not understand - she muttered - I was here yesterday ... there was a golf course, superb club, we ate lobster, had a great time... And now I see only desolation, dirt, and my friends seem desperate.
The Devil looked at her and smiled:
- Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you are an employee.
 
Business lesson: When you choose a job watch the content, not the packing (if you want to spend some time in Paradise ).
 
 
Lesson for the "bosses" 4, submitted by the honoured Nikolinka Jordanova:
 
1st email from my boss to HR management:
Joe Smith, my assistant, can always be seen
working. He works alone, without
losing his time talking with colleagues.  Joe is
never hesitating whether to help a colleague and is never
late in meeting his deadliness. He often takes considerable
measures to complete his work, sometimes misses his rightful
coffee breaks.  Joe is a man who has absolutely no
self-esteem, regardless of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.  I consider that Joe may be
defined as a very valuable employee, one that can not be
replaced.
 
2nd email from my boss to HR management:
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I was writing the report that I sent you earlier today.  Please read only the odd rows 1, 3, 5, etc., starting with bold letters to find my true assessment of his work.
Business lessons:
1. Never rely on accidental information.
2. Be bold enough to request and to give honest and fair assessment face to face.
3. The HR boss mail approach is enemy № 1 of teamwork and supports the intrigue growth in the company.
  Never use this HR technique.
 
 
Corporate Lesson 3:

Simon wanted to маке love with Annie - a colleague of his... But she had a boyfriend... One day Simon offered her:
- Annie, I will give you usd 1000 if you make love with me.
- Noway! - she refused flatly.
Simon continued:
- It will be a very fast love, I'll throw the money on the floor, you will collect them as I will have the right to love you only till you collect the last dollar.  How long will you gather a thousand usd?  Think it over!
Annie decided to consult her boyfriend... The boy advised her:
- Ask him for usd 2000, collect the money very quickly, with both hands, so he will not have the time to take off his pants!
The girl's accepted the proposal.  The boyfriend waited impatiently Annie to call him five, ten, fifteen, thirty minutes. Finally, she went out of the office crying.
- The bugger threw coins!
Business lesson:
Before the deal carefully considering all aspects of the business proposal. 

 
Corporate Lesson 2:

A swallow flew south, but caught by cold and frozen to death, she fell in a field.  A cow passed through the field and shitted on the bird.  The shit warmed the swallow; she recovered and began to twitter happily... A nearby passing cat heard the chirping and following the sound, found the bird and ate it.
Business lessons:
1. Not every one who throws shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not every one who pulls you out of the shits is your friend.
3. When you are immersed to the neck in shit, do not twitter too much.
 
 
Corporate Lesson 1:

A wife has finished taking a shower when her husband enters the bathroom.  At this moment the doorbell rings.  The woman quickly wraps a towel around her and runs to open the door. Plamen – the neighbour is standing outside.  Before she says a word, he offers:
- I'll give you $ 800 if you take off this towel!
Giving it a deep thought for a moment, the woman removes the towel and stands naked before Plamen.  He hands her $ 800 and leaves.  The happy wife wraps and goes back in the bathroom.
- Who was that? - asks the husband.
- Plamen, our neighbour! - she replies.
- Excellent! - says the man – Did he mention when he will return the 800-dollars I borrowed him last week?
Business moral:  If you share important information about the credit risk with the shareholders on time, you can avoid exposing.